Wind

The wind is blowing.
The chimes,
set carefully where they will be loved by the wind,
are singing their personal, individual songs.
A branch has fallen from one of the old oaks in the yard.
The smell of fallen leaves permeates the heavy air.
There is nothing like the smell of fall but this smell.
As I walk around the corner,
toward the one tree in the neighborhood,
that dresses in her finest autumn colors before any other tree,
I breathe in completely and soak up the scent.
It is strongest here.
I feel light, and thankful.
My memories of holidays, youth, and happiness encompass me
as the flurry of falling burgundy, gold and amber
overwhelm my senses.
Thick fuzzy cardigans,
warm knitted wool socks,
electric blankets turned to the highest setting,
until I can no longer stand the heat,
warm spiced apple cider or chai,
brisk walks with the puppy in his overly warm for a dog sweater.
All these thoughts have taken over my senses because of the sound
of a robust wind shaking the evening calm and crickets.

Old man.

This short story is based on a moment in time.
This particular moment was early one morning in Canada,
at a Tom Collins coffee shop
at the edge of a resort area.
Terry was sleeping as he had driven most of the night.
I of course had slept most of the night.

As I did a bible study, drank some delicious coffee and ate a pastry,
I noticed some movement outside of the window.
The following is what I saw and thought about and became....a story around me.


It's a chilly morning, but I've had my coffee.
Strong and hot and black.
And because I've been working steadily
I've taken off my jacket.
Now I just have on my jeans, Tshirt, orange vest, work gloves and visor.
Summer is just about to begin,
which means the work should be getting more steady.
I'm ready for steady.
Today me and the kid are working on building up the curb around the new road
going off to the resort.
The landscaper wants to add some flowers and bushes, so I am filling in the area,
picking out the larger stones and smoothing it out a bit.
I don't know where the kid is.
He never seems to want to be part of the work these days.
Some girl problems I'm sure.
I'm just not interested at all in all that talk of girls, boozing and car racing.
I'm going on my 72nd birthday in two months.
It has been a good life for the most part.
I'm glad I can still come out here everyday and do some physical work.
Gets my mind off of things at home.
The wife has been sick with cancer for the past two years.
All the doctor visits, treatments and healing at home have been hard on both of us.
I've had to take on more of the cooking and cleaning than I have ever done.
But I don't mind.  That also settles my mind a bit.
I can turn down the hearing aids and just think my thoughts.
Momma has gotten a bit more into complaining since she has been sick.
I just can't seem to do much that meets with her approval,
but I do what I can and just try to keep my head down and outta her way.

Holy Shit!
That kid nearly gave me a heart attack!
Dumb kid!
Guess he didn't see me working here.
His mind was distracted like mine just was.
He has gotten on the small back hoe and is moving some dirt around from the pile.
But Crap~!  He almost ran me over.

I have to shovel some of that dirt around a bit more,
now that he has added the huge pile to where I was working.
The contractor is particular, and I have to concentrate on getting this dirt
to the curb and not over into the street.
Now that I'm listening for him, I hear the kid coming with another load.
Shoot!
Why doesn't he pay attention to what he's doing or where I am?
He's just making more of a mess and I'm having to move more to where it properly goes.
Again, he just tears up here and dumps the pile where it doesn't go.
I'll stand in front near where I want him to drop the dirt this time.
Maybe he doesn't know.

Here he comes from the pile.
Right at me.
Good.
Now maybe I'll get some work.....
Whoa buddy!
You almost ran me over!
If I hadn't have moved you would have!
What are you thinking?

Oh, what are you doing now?
What am I supposed to do, if you use the back hoe to smooth the dirt toward the curb?
Clean up the mess in the street that you made?
Pops, huh?
I'm too slow, that it?
Well fine, you can do it all yourself.
I need a break anyway.
I'll just be over here when you are ready to do it right.

Three more loads and it's done.
It does look ok around the edges.
Well, the kid can gather all the shovels and tools then,
I'm ready to pack it in and call it a day.
Wonder how much longer they'll keep me around?
Picking out rocks and sweeping the streets I guess,
now that the backhoe seems to do the job of three of me.
Not that I wouldn't have done a prettier job at it.
The landscaper is gonna be pissed when he has to ready the soil.
It would have been perfect if I had been allowed to finish.
Things are faster, not as personal, and not as good as far as I can see.

Getting too old I guess.
I have had a hitch in my back, first thing for a few mornings.
Sometimes it's a struggle to get these ol' legs going right away.
But I eventually roll around.
Cracking and sputtering like I do.

Better get on home.
The wife'll be surprised I'm home so early.
Better stop and get some bird seed, and BB's for the gun.
Those damn black birds  have been devouring everything.

It's nice to stroll around the Walmart with no time limit.
Looking at the camping gear, tools and such.
I don't need anything for the shop though, and camping is now for the grandbabies.
That reminds me.
Kimmy and her girls are going camping this weekend.
I better pick up some propane for them.
It's gonna be a bit nippy and the lantern will give off a bit of heat for them.
Wish I could go, but I'll settle for fishing one day with them at the lake.
That little Susan sure enjoys watching the minnows around the pier.
She's just as happy to see the bluegill nip on her line in the shallows by the shore
as she is catching a big fish from the boat.
How I love that little one!
Becky however is only interested in getting a tan and the boys.
That one is going to be a heartbreaker for sure.
She already has mine.

Momma's asleep in her chair.
Musta been a rough morning for her.
I know she didn't sleep much last night.
I'll be real quiet and try to not wake her.

"Oh, hi Honey.
No, we finished up early today.
How you feeling?
Yea, you need your rest. 
I'm gonna go outside and shoot some of those black birds away.
Of course I can shoot them!
My aim has never been better!
You rest now.
I'll make lunch after a while."

I can still hear her bitching at me as I go out the back door.
I'll show her.
Who does she think she is?
Is she never happy anymore?
I can shoot some damn birds if I want to.
For that matter I think I'll stay out here a bit after lunch.
Glad I re-wove that lawn chair I got from the dump.
It sure took me a time to find the mesh.
No one fixes anything any more, they just throw it out and buy new.
Ya, it may not look perfect, but it does the job for me sitting out here.
She doesn't sit out here anymore anyway,
so what difference does it make if some of the web sags a bit here and there?
It is just as comfortable as a new one.

Two black birds already out feasting on the suet.
Just breath and aim.
Ha!
Don't tell me I can't hit a bird anymore!
I still got it woman!
Did you see that shot?
First one and he's on the ground.
I'll have to shoot him one more time in the head just to make sure.

Oh.
Poor little thing.
That second shot put it out of it's misery.
Why did I think I had to kill them to get rid of them?
I didn't think it would be that hard seeing the pathetic little thing.
Funny pit my stomach after that.
I'll put the gun up.
What good am I any more?
Can't work fast enough,
too soft to kill birds,
can't even  make a satisfactory grilled cheese sandwich.
Guess I'll read the paper and maybe take a nap.

MMMMM.
Little arms squeezing my neck.
The girls are here.

"Help you string your fishing pole, huh?
Well, I guess I have time to do that for ya.
Yes, I'll be coming out early Saturday morning with my tackle box.
You want me to bring you some coffee outta my thermos do ya?
OK.  I'll stop and get some cream and sugar for yours.
Yes.  I plan on staying all day.
We are going to catch a mess of fish for dinner and I'll show you how to skin em.
We'll have a big ol fish fry!
Run over and give Grandma a squeeze
then we can go out to the garage and fix up the poles."

Maybe I do have some value after all.
Susan still thinks I can do anything.
I'll try my hardest not to let that little thing know any different.

How, if at all?

I am struggling so much today.
I have had to learn so many things in my life so far.
In my twenties, I was selfish and knew it all.
In my thirties I had my head handed to me more than once.
In my forties I have tried to learn grace,
to keep my mouth shut,
follow the path God has for me.

But how do all these life lessons help loved ones
who need to hear but don't want to?
Am I supposed to be supportive and silent and allow them to learn
their own life's lessons in their own brokenness?
Do I offer insights and lessons,
even though most of the time they fall of deaf ears?
Do I plan times for others, even when all I really want to do
is spin and nap and be selfish myself?
I feel as though I have failed in two instances today.
One I gladly joined, but kept tight chains over my tongue.
The other was unexpected and I am afraid
that while I was trying to find the meekness in words,
my tongue escaped and I did more harm than good.
Do I float through this life with loved ones,
and only offer smiles?
All their situations are different, as are mine.
No one can live in my head.
My own short comings hold me back so often,
that I do not hear the Spirit when I need to hear the most.
I hope I have learned to be content with what I am given every day.
I try not to make too many plans, as they will inevitably be changed.
My heart and gut are aching today because I can't fix anything for anyone else.
It is a struggle to give it over to God and let Him work on
others hearts and minds and bodies.
I must let my mind focus on what I can do and not what I cannot do.
So much of life is really so very simple.
We just need to get out of our own way.
We need to seek love and inspiration from those who are ment to give to us,
and not those who are not in the path.
We can only do what we can do at the moment.
Only decide for ourselves the next step or action.
If I fall, someone can help me up, but only I am going to feel the pain of the injury.
I cannot expect anyone to feel my pain instead of me.
That would be cruel.
So why do we expect others to carry our burdens and make our decisions for us?
And would we truly follow their plan?
There is a saying: 
We see others and wish for their lives,
but as soon as we get the problems we did not see,
we would gladly give back and take our own with joy.

So, after so much rambling, I will try to do what I can.
I will offer thoughts if asked, but only part, and only if asked.
I will pray for clear moments and introspection for my self and loved ones,
because it is only from within,
with God's help,
that we can truly see what is choking our lives.
More often than not, it is of our own making,
and only we can change that.
No one else should have to.

But.....
I digress, again.
Let go and let God!

never an audience when you need one!

Random ideas that come to me I'd like to explore further.
Some of these happen on vacations,
when my hubby calls and asks what I'm doing
or just random thoughts that blurt out for no apparent reason



Studying gooseberry vodka

the pirate walking down las vegas strip with parrot on shoulder and can of beer in hand

hitting a boat being towed by a car just because it would be impracticle to hit one in the water

fox in the henhouse with a guard llama

angels in the parking lot

deer and homeschooling



to be continued and added upon
ideas welcome :)

Untitled

This story will be a continuing work as I have many ideas roaming around.....so look for other pages to follow.




Marianne was on a break.
The final straw was the "dog".
Marianne had decided to clean house today,
and started by watering the flowers in the yard.
Because it had been so dry for weeks now,
and her water bill was $85 this month,
she chose to just go around the flowers with the hose instead of leaving the sprinkler on.
The dog, who was normanlly Marianne's companion, was chasing after and barking at the hose.
He would try to bite the stream and Marianne would spray him and laugh as he ran away.
The last time he got totally drenched and ran away across the yard.
As Marianne moved to the few vegetables that were struggling to grow, and produceing almost no fruit, she noticed the dog rolling around and snorting.
Because of the drought, there was a very dry are near the fence.
Really just a patch of dirt that nothing would grow because the dog was always on guard there
to protect his yard from the neighbors' dog.
Now he was rolling around in this dust, after being completely soaked with her hose.
What a muddy mess.
Giving him a bath was not the worst unexpected part of her day,
it was that she had just bought two white easy chairs.
She ran to turn off the hose as soon as she saw the dog head for the house!
Why did she ever get white furniture?
She thought it was a cool classic design as she was trying to fix up her recently emptied nest.
However she had always been keen on letting the dog on the furniture since it was just she and him now most of the time.
What a mistake.
The chairs were always covered now with quilts unless company was coming, but that was rare.
Marianne scooped him up into her arms and carried him to the bathroom.
Once in the tub, he relented to his fate.
He got her back though, and shook all the muddy water all around the batrhroom before the soap even hit his back.
Now she will have to add the shower to her list of to do items.
One of the few things next to dusting she hated to do.
Since her girls had moved out, and her husband, the pilot was in the air mst of the time,
things never really got too dirty.
Marianne did realize though that she cluttered her environment with day to day stiff.
She really needed to get more organized and put things away right away, instead of waiting for the weekend.  It shouldn't be this hard to NOT put everything on the bar as she walked in the kitchen door.
If something was missing though, that was the first place she looked and usually found the lost treasure.  This was the first place people, and she saw as they entered the house, and it always made Marianne feel better if at least the kitchen was clean.
Today however, she was taking a break after the dog's bath.
Her oldest daughter Vicki had texted and said she was going to a cafe downtown to do some writing,
and she had invited Marianne to come if she wanted.
If she wanted?!
That was a silly question.
Marianne knew that her daughters were growing up and needed some space to find their independance and she had let them do that after a few months of tears and longing right after they had moved out.  Figuring out who she was again after twenty years of being a mom was very difficult.
As Marianne was finally getting on her feet again, the girls had started to want her company.
It felt almost fair that occasionally when they texted, she had been out having lunch with a friend from church or having margaritas with her best friends, and was unable to join them.
However, most times Marianne jumped at the chance to spend time with her girls and dropped menial chores and errands.  She knew that eventually she would see them less and less, especially once they moved away or got married.
They all had a wonderful relationship though, and knew that holidays and vacations would be what she lived and planned for!  Hopefully retirement would bring her to a town close to both her daughters and her stepson and grandchildren.

Peering out the cafe window with her notebook open and pen loosly between her fingers,
Marianne sipped her breve latte.  This was one thing on her very strict diet she could have.
Her youngest daughter had mentioned that it was great that her mom was loosing weight, but there was never anything in the house to eat!  She also complained that the dozens of homemade bird suet in the freezer and the meal worms in the fridge were very unappetizing.
Marianne did love her birds.  She rarely went to movies or spent money on activites.
She spent her self appointd allowance on bird food and feeders and all things garden.
She loved reading on the porch and watching th oriels eating homemade grape jelly, or the five different varieties of woodpeckers sparring for her suet.  It took alot for Marianne to go fill the feeders in this heat, and the fact that there were so many grackles and blackbirds eating most of the birdfood, frustrated her.,  She was getting very good at hitting the feeders with the bb gun from the family room window though.

Suddenly, through he window, Marianne noticed a young man walking back an forth on one stretch of sidewalk in front of her.  He was a nice looking young man, maybe twety five, shaggy hair but not too long.  Dressed nicely in tran pants and a plaid shirt.  She was always looking at young men these days as possibilities for her daughters.  They both had boyfriends, but Marianne knew they cvould be happier and better off single if not with someone else right away.  This was not a subject to be broached again however, as Marianne had finnaly learned to keep her opinions to herself.  What a tough lesson that was.  So she just gazed out the window and wondered about this young man.
He was carrying what seemed to be a video camera, and he looked like he was waiting for someone.
Marianne wondered if he worked of rone of the local news stations.  She looked around to see if anything was happeneing outside downtown.  He pace for maybe fifteen more minutes.
Marianne so desperately wanted to go out an talk to him.  Ask him what was happening, find out the scoop.  She was very nosey like that and always liked to be aware of things going on around her.
She had been asking for a police scanner for years, but no one in her family would get one for her.  Maybe she should ger her own.
Also, if this young camera man was interviewing people, Marianne would love to be a somebody on tv.  She wanted to be on a jury but was never picked in all her fifty three years.  She never won the lottery or had any luck at all with the slot machines she sometimes played with her daughter.  She never wanted to risk everything in one machine becasue if she lost quickly, she would have to go home as she was pretty strict with herself about over indulging on gambling.  Not that she owuld ever bet the car or clean out the bank account, but losing money on something so frivilous seemed wasteful.






(not sure I will keep this next part)

............

In her early marriage they had been very poor and had to learn to be frugal with everything.
Now that Doug was making really good money, Marianne didn't have to worry at all, but she was trying to save for their retirement.
 Doug was gone most of the time these days, as he was taking more flights to also help with retirement.  They both wanted to live on a small farm in Tennessee or Texas.
Looking back, she never thought they would make it to retirement together.
Being so young when they got married had caused them both to grow up quickly.
Raising a family and moving around so much was stressful enough, but two independant people who were always right and the other always wrong was hard to get through.  When Doug had decided to become a pilot, they both breathed a bit easier.  He studied hard and took all his tests and exams and instructions very seriously.  Then he bagan to travel.  That had saved their marriage for sure.
They had to begin to learn how to really talk to each other instead of shutting down when the other was wrong or hurtful.  They began being reallyhonest with each other and thinking aobut what they said to each other befror actually speaking.  Now Marianne realized what older couples in her life ment by the last years of marriage are alwyas the best.  Hang on if you can, wade through the tough times because in the end, you will have become a better person yourself, and all the other's faults will seem unimportant. 
It was so true.  Marianne didn't want to know what her life would have been without Doug in it,  They were comfortable togegther.  She didn;t have to pretend or put on heirs with him., 
She sometimes felt boring with other people.  She didn't have a lot to say, and wasn't informed on current events and politics.  Her hobby of spinning yarn was definately not a hobby many other people had any interest in, so she struggled with meaningful common conversations.
This was ok with Doug.  Bless his heart, he was trying to learn all the vocabulary and have interest in her blathering on about different types of fiber and spinning terms.  In turn, Marianne was really trying to follow politics as best she could for him.
Being comfortable with each other, and also having seperate interests is what Marianne learned to be one of the secrets to marriage.  Spending all your time with your companion proved to be stiffling.  And Doug was always there for her when she needed an ear or shoulder, as she was for him.
They had definataely been through some hardships with inlaws, children and finances.  Somehow it all worked out and they were on a new adventure together looking forward.
.............



Marianne took notes on ideas that were forming in her mind about this cameraman and what the possible reasons for his presence there, until he left.  No reporter ever came, he didn't talk with anyone.  Just a blip on her radar that started her mind wandering.  She sipped the last of her latte adn wondered what her day would turn to next.

It only takes a moment

While traveling home one day from Chicago,
I witnessed a heart warming sight.
I wish I had taken a picture.
Here is my version of what happened in another's voice.

I feel like such an idiot.
I finally saved enough money for some transportation,
bagging groceries all year and even taking double shifts
so my mom wouldn't have to drive me everywhere.
It's so embarrassing to be dropped off and picked up by my mom
in her gold granny van.
I hate that van!
So I made enough money to buy a cycle,
but just enough to buy this beginner bike.
Actually it's one step above a moped.
.
My mom bought me all this "gear"
and said I couldn't ride if I didn't wear it all.
I have boots, which are not cool at all,
heavy blue jeans that are way too warm to be wearing
on this hot summer day,
a helmet that is so padded that a semi truck would not crack it,
and with the visor, I feel like a bird in a circus!
I have on a new leather jacket, again way too hot for this day
and it's so stiff and...new!

Mom made me take lessons from her brother on how to ride.
I have been practicing for weeks now, in the church parking lot.
I have passed my motorcycle driving test and have my permit.
What more does she want from me?!

So, this is the first time I am out on the real roads.
I must admit that I am a little nervous.
I'm glad my friend Mike, was working today,
and couldn't come with me.

I'm starting to feel a little bit more comfortable with riding.
Trying to remember all the rules and watch for other drivers.

I'm so alone out here though.
That gravel on the last turn, really had me scared.
I'm still shaking,
and my heart is thumping in my chest as if it will jump out at any moment!
At least this is the longest stoplight in town, and I can catch my breath.
No one else is on the road.

I hear some faint roaring.
Beside me slows the most beautiful Harley Davidson I have ever seen.
Black and shiny silver chrome.
The guy riding it could be right out of Sons of Anarchy.
Bald, dark wrap around sunglasses, tatoos everywhere,
leather vest, and I can't see the name on the back.
I'm sure it says hells angels or something like that.
He's not wearing a helmet, but he has the best boots I have ever seen!
They must have cost $400!

He looked over at me.
I nodded at him, and he nodded back!
He is looking ahead again.
What should I do?
Cyclists have a code don't they?
When meeting up with other riders?
But you really can't call my puny little bike a chopper.

I'll rev the gas and see what he does.
Nothing.
No reaction at all.
Rev it again.
He looks over and I rev my gas again.
I nod at him.
Then he revs his gas!
Oh my gosh!  It sounds like the world is coming to a thundering end!
This is so cool!
He gives me a thumbs up!
I do the same back to him!
He smiles at me....I think.
It's hard to tell if maybe he was just irritated and scowled instead.
No, he revved his gas again as the light is changing and nods to me again!
I'm nodding back!
The light changes and he slowly rolls forward.

I almost forgot that I was in the turning lane.
I turn and follow the road, not even thinking where I am going.
Maybe this isn't such a bad bike after all.
Under this helmet and jacket, maybe I don't look seventeen.
Think I'll ride around for a while more.
What a great day!

Beginnings

For years I have enjoyed seeing those around me.
Really seeing them.
I sit at tables in restaurants, and listen to conversations.
I stare out of the window in a cafe,
and imagine the lives of people I see.
There are so many unusual, vibrant, interesting, messed up, glorious
people around, if you just look.
This blog will hopefully put my mind at ease
as it has kept these thousands of ruminations floating around in my head for a lifetime.
After a while I just need to dump and start fresh!
I have no intention of publishing, selling or
entertaining anyone other than my self
and those who choose to explore with me.

Whew! That was hard enough, just writing and intro!
Look around, outside of you today!