Brokenness

This sucks.
For nearly thirty of my almost fifty years, I have been independent, self reliant, the strong one who many turn to for help, a caretaker of needs and wants.
Last week, I broke my foot.  Oh, not just any break, but an "Oh Shit" from the doctor, break.
And because I don't feel pain the way most do, I didn't even realize it.
One day in a walking boot and the next day in surgery to put a plate in my foot,
and I am reduced to an invalid.

Yes, I am feeling a bit sorry for myself, but also, as I sit here and think,
I have a greater respect for others who are not as healthy as I am.
I cannot fix my own meals, shampoo my own hair, even bathe myself without help.
My dear friend came yesterday for a visit and cleaned my bathrooms and kitchen.
I sat in the family room in my chair and listened to the scum buster working.
I felt blessed and self conscious at the same time.
It's one thing to have someone vacuum for you, but bathrooms are very personal places.
My ministry team at church has brought so much food to my house that we are all eating very well!
I have had everyone tell me that if there is anything thing at all that I need, to just pick up the phone.

I think of my grandmother who lives in assisted living.
All of her personal preferences are gone.  She has no privacy or choice or much dignity left.
Along with her health, her mind is slipping away. 
A nurse found her the other evening walking the halls with nothing on but a depends on her head.
I can only reason that she thought it was a shower cap or her night cap, and she was getting ready for bed.  Nothing looked familiar, so she walked around trying to find the home she remembered so many years ago.
My mother too, has health problems.  Her heart is barely functioning, but she does the best she can every day.  She has fallen more times than I can remember, all of my life.  She has had to let others care for all of her needs many times in her life.  My father is amazing and patient.

My youngest daughter is my caretaker for a bit.
She is amazing.
Today she helped me shower.  She adjusted the showerhead, put the shower chair into the tub,
wrapped my right foot in a bag and helped me into the bathroom.
She held my hand as I  climbed into the tub and sat down.
She wrapped my foot in a towel, put all shampoo, soap and loofa within reach and gave me privacy when I was settled.
It felt wonderful and being that I am tall, I was able to adjust the spray!
I was in tears, so grateful my daughter is so loving!
She helped me out of the tub wrapped in a towel, and to my bedroom.
She got my clothes out and powder and deodorant within reach.
Then she dried and styled my hair for me.
I feel human again!

What this made me realize, being a caretaker myself, is how considerate she is.
Being a caretaker is a practical responsibility.  Not many feelings or thoughts other than getting the job done as best and quickly as you can.
Now I understand that showing respect to the patient is oh so very important.
It's not just you doing what you can, but they are feeling helpless, emotional, embarrassed and hurting.  It is a horrible feeling.

So, sitting here in my chair, with my knitting, books, computer and tv remote within reach,
feeling badly that my grandmother is in the hospital preparing to go into a nursing home,
and I cannot even comfort her, I am grateful for all of the caring people around me and her.