Monday, August 26, 2013

Crossroads: At the Intersection of Resentment and Forgiveness


I want to look and act like my friend Connie when I'm seventy years old.
Energy enthusiasm follow her like an orb as she zips through her daily
three mile walk around our neighborhood.
One word sums her up:  light.  She's pure light.

So intrigued by this beautiful woman who is chronologically old enough to
be my mom but young enough in spirit to be my baby sister, I invited Connie to
lunch.  I wanted to know about the important decisions she had made in her life
and how they had shaped her.  I knew there was much to learn from this feisty
character.

Connie said, "One of the biggest choices I had to make throughout my life
was whether to extend forgiveness or to hold on to resentment.  I took the wrong
road.  I chose to harbor my hurt."

Connie was birthed to a seventeen-year-old mom and an absentee father.
Connie's mother, being both a glamorous and fun-loving woman, lacked the
emotional maturity ro be the mom Connie longed for.  For twelve years, while
her mom dated, Connie's grandmother, who lived with them, provided her care and
direction.  But at last her mother did settle down with a fabulous father figure for
Connie, and she looked to establish the mother daughter bond that Connie had
longed for, for so many years.  But it was too late.

In those short but formative first twelve years, Connie had learned to revel in
resentment toward her mother.  As her mother tried harder and harder to reach
her, Connie realized that she had something to hold over her mom, and Connie
found that she enjoyed the power.  Connie told me, "I fed my hurt."

Connie would continue to find herself at this same intersection over and over,
as her mom sought to soothe the pain she had caused her then-young daughter.
But Connie would always turn on to the road of resentment instead of forgiveness,
looking for justice.

    He will not crush the weakest reed
         or put out a flickering candle.
         He will bring justice to all who have been wronged.  (Isaiah 42:3)

As Connie continued to withhold forgiveness through the years, her own
kids were amazed that their mom---so forgiving and so forgiving of others---
held on to bitterness with both hands wen it came to their grandmother.

But as Alzheimer's besieged her once-healthy mom, Connie's heart began to
soften.  He mom, who still recognized Connie, was comforted b having her
only child be her caregiver.  Still, the important words had not been said.  Finally,
Connie found herself sitting at the corner of resentment and forgiveness for the
last time.

As her mother lay on her deathbed in a deep comatose state, Connie sent her
family from her mother's room.  She laid her head upon her mother's pillow and
whispered softly in her mother's ear, "Will you forgive me?"  Against all odds,
Connie's mom, never opening her eyes, squeezed her daughter's hand.

Isn't it interesting that for sixty-five years, Connie's mom sought her forgiveness,
but in the end it was Connie who asked for hers?  Connie realized that she
had sacrificed years of incredible joys and celebrations in order to harbor her
hurt, feed her pain, and try to right a wrong from so long ago.

Connie mourned her mother's death but her tears were not bitter---she had
made peace with her mom, and herself.  But this wise and precious woman
sat across form me at our table in the restaurant, her tears flowed with regret for
the years wasted.

      So we have stopped evaluating others from a human point of view.
      At one time we thought of Christ merely from a human point of view.
      How differently we know Him now! 
     This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. 
     The old life is gone; a new live begun!
                                                  (2 Corinthians 5:16-17)

COME ON!!!!!
Was stammering around the house this morning, feeling angry and hurt.
Rearranging furniture, cleaning and throwing things out!
All I asked for was an answer to how to deal with so many things.
I ran across a devotional written by Ellen Miller,
my good friend Karen gave me a long while ago.
I had not had "time" to read it.
Really God?  This is the answer?  OK.  What do you have for me today.
I flipped to August 26...which was a part two,
so I turned to the day before...to get the whole message.
I sat down in a chair and read the above story.
Through tears, and sobs, God had given me an answer.

I absolutely hate confrontations.
Especially with my family, immediate or fringe. 
There is always so much baggage with family.
I also seem to be unable to find words,
or even clear thoughts when discussing anything.
It mostly ends up with screaming and crying and folks going away with hurt feelings.
After a while, as we each rethink what we said, what was said,
and what really was the true intent,
forgiveness happens.

For some reason, resentment feels so very good to hang onto and to feed.
Hurt feelings, anger, thoughts that build to selfish pity parties.
We wonder what others think of us from stories told in anger.
Why is it so very hard to say I'm sorry. 
I never ment that.
Why can we not clarify what we thought we heard?
Why is it so very hard to NOT take offense in the first place.
No one really goes out of their way to hurt someone they love.
For that matter, I don't know anyone who goes out of their way to hurt a stranger.

So on this day of new beginnings, I choose forgiveness.
I hope you can too.
It really is much better to take a deep clean breath.
Unhindered by resentment.
Do it now!




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